Thesis II

烦！真的是很烦！
之前本来没有这样烦！可是，现在越想就越烦！
本来以为她已经看过我的manuscript了。。。
本来还以为她已经为我修正manuscript了。。。
可是，一切都不尽人意。。。
那天去见她时，她既然却不知道我前一个星期已交了manuscript
我记得我当时还sms通知她一声 她到底有没有去找去看的？
为什么她发现不见时，不会早早通知我一声，好让我多交一份给她
到头来，她只对我讲解和修改我的results
好心啦，那是很久之前交的了，她还是在我见她时才看的。
我之前最想给她看的discussion怎么办？
当时她还随口问我有没有带 soft copy？
我当时没随身带pendrive， 就说我回去课室拿来给她。。
这样好的offer，她说不必麻烦了。。。
有时我在想她真的有关心我们的论文吗？
或许像教授们说的，那是我们学生的论文，不是教授的论文，所以自己要对自己的论文负责任！
OK, 她不需要关心！
最不爽的是，她之前叫我准备的thesis ppt presentation给她那天看时
她既然看没看一眼的说：
“你做好一切results修正后，才给我看这ppt”
OMG！我之前做的印的都白费了！
浪费时间，浪费金钱，浪费精神！
早知这样，我前一晚专心地读clinical pt education 更好啦！不必花时间去准备！
或许还可以拿更好的分数 （虽然不是很有可能）
如今人家要远赴澳洲升学，我也只有星期一给她看一次的manuscript
要看，就看那么的一次
要改的，就在那天能够讲罢了
就那么一次的改。。
之后出错的，自己扛下。。。
我还能怎样？

p/s maybe it is my fault also as being dependent on the supervisor, hai... what to do?

Light On by David Cook

Actually, i did not pay much attention on this song before that but recently when i played back this song and peeped through the lyrics accidentally, i really loved this song lyrics especially the chorus part...

Light On by David Cook
Never really said too much
Afraid it wouldn’t be enough
Just try to keep my spirits up
When there’s no point in grieving


Doesn’t matter anyway
Words could never make me stay
Words will never take my place
When you know I’m leaving


(Chorus)
Try to leave a light on when I’m gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm


Try to leave a light on when I’m gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it’s late at night you can look inside
You won’t feel so alone


You know we’ve been down that road
What seems a thousand times before
My back to a closing door and my eyes to the seasons
That roll out underneath my heels
And you don’t know how bad it feels
To leave the only one that I have ever believed in


Sometimes it feels like we’ve run out of luck
When the signal keeps on breaking up
When the wires cross in my brain
You’ll start my heart again
When I come along

心事

心事
真的可以分享吗？
真的可以倾诉吗？

自己曾经跟朋友说
有心事就找值得信任的知己来倾诉
这样会让自己更舒服一点

可是，到自己有心事想找人倾诉时
原来想要开口的那一刻是何等的难
就连自己最信任的朋友，最至亲的亲人，都无法开口
到最后还是将心事往自己肚子里吞
孤独承受。。。

为啥会这样难开口？
是倔强吗？
是信不过朋友吗？
是怕麻烦朋友吗？
还是因为不想把自己最脆弱，最丑陋的一面呈现出来吧。。。

唉。。。自己原来是这样的爱面子
这样没有勇气卸下一直戴着的假面具
是时候自己该该反省了！

Quarantine week

The time now shows that it is 12:37am, yet I'm still lingering around in the world of internet. Thinking back of the 1 weeek holiday, I still feel that I've done nothing much to improve my academic performance. Hence, let me conclude of what I've done in this quarantine week:

27/7, Mon, woke up early in the morning to be prepared to go for Mon class. After attending a half hour briefing, then suddenly heard a horrible news of H1N1 attacking the hostel. Quickly paked back home and then facebooking from morning to night. Then, I said to myself that I should push myself to read some of my notes tomorrow.

28/7, Tue, woke up very late in the morning because of sleeping late in the previous night. Having own made breakfast, mopping the floor, chatting and then facebooking again until night. Then, slept quite early for preparing myself to HUKM tomorrow. Zero input for my notes.

29/7, Wed, woke up very early in the morning to prepare myself to go to HUKM. Collecting data for almost whole day in HUKM. Then, going back, taking a 2 hours nap, having dinner, faceboking somemore, and went to sleep. Zero input also for my notes.

30/7, Thurs, same as Wed for office hours. After going back from HUKM, got a chance to go to Pasar Malam Sri Rampai to "shop" for a while. Then, at night, did some editting for my assignment, watched a Japan cartoon and went to sleep again. Zero input again for my notes.

31/7, Fri, same as Thurs but going back at around 11 am. When reached titiwangsa LRT, met my friends out of my expectation and had lunch with them. Reached home around 1pm, bathed, took a nap for almost 1.5 hours, then facebooking and watching Eng dramas. Finally at night, gt a chance to touch the note. (p/s really touch only)

1/8, Sat, shopping with my old friends for whole day and then spent overnight at my friend's house.

2/8, Sun, Woke up late in my friend's house, reading his novel and then went back home by LRT. Reached home around 2pm, facebooking in the noon time, and then finally,could touch more on my notes at night. So, now blogging.

The whole week seemed very boring and unproductive for me. No income, no knowledge input, and no excited experience. Sigh... look like i have lost my passion towards my life. I did not feel excited about my life. That is so sad. Hopefully, I could really find my excitement in my life in future.

Rude Dr.

Why would I like to publish a post with a title like that? That's because I heard a story from my mom and felt that that doctor should be blammed for her rude manner towards the patients.

The story bagan with an almost geriatric female patient, Mrs. X who unfortunately had a Stage II breast cancer and needed to undergo a total of 8 cycles of chemotherapy. As we all know, chemotherapy is a very tough and suffering process. Most cancer patients suffer physically and mentally while undergoing the chemotherapy.

That day, Mrs X needed to undergo the 3rd cycle of chemotherapy. As the white blood count of Mrs X was low, she needed to stay in the hospital to be injected a drug (I don't know the name, sorry...) to boost up the amount of white blood cells. Then, the next morning, the blood test of Mrs X showed that her white blood count was sufficient for her to undergo chemotherapy. Therefore, the doctor asked Mrs X to be ready for chemotherapy. The clock showed that it was 8am so the breakfast was distributed to all the in-patients at that time. Mrs X felt hungry and saw the doctor was still handling other chemotherapy cases, so she started to have the breakfast first. Right after Mrs X had the second bite on her breakfast, came the doctor here with a very fierce face.

She asked rudely," Why do you eat breakfast? I don't have much time to wait you. Don't you see that I have a bundle of patients to be settled to undergo chemotherapy?"

Mrs X was shocked by this doctor and explained in a low voice," I just saw you attend to other patients, so I planned to eat first as I felt very hungry..."

The doctor then blammed," don't you feel that you are just like someone from 'kampung' place who have never eaten this kind of food before?"

This blamming sounded very sarcastic and Mrs X felt very embarrased being humiliated by such a doctor. Mrs X then stopped eating and let the doctor to do the antiemetic injection before conducting the chemotherapeutic drugs infusion. The doctor started to inject Mrs X with the antiemetic drugs at a very fast rate. Mrs X yelled at pain and then asked,"Can doctor inject this drug slower? It is painful. Last time, the other doctor injected it slowly and it was not painful."

This doctor was pissed off by Mrs X's words and shouted out," if you want that doctor to inject you, then you ask that doctor to inject you. You don't need me!" Mrs X was stunned by her attitude. She could only keep quiet as she didn't want to make this doctor angry again. Afterall, her life was still on the hand of that doctor.

While on chemo drugs infusion, the doctor needed to find the blood vessel to insert the needle into the blood vessel. However, it's not as easy as usual because the chemo drugs before could cause the blood vessel to sink. It's not easy to find a suitable blood vessel. Therefore, the doctor needed to try and error to inject few times. This made the whole chemotherapy process very painful. Each time the doctor injected and took out the needle, Mrs X would shout out in pain. Each time she shouted out in pain, the doctor would scold her to shut up because this caused her could not concentrate to inject. Mrs X felt very stressful throughout the whole chemo process and kind of blammed herself why she would suffer this kind of disease. The chemotherapy already made her very ill and in fact she needed to meet this kind of doctor. This made her even more afraid of undergoing chemotherapy next time.

So, that's the end of the story. I really feel that a doctor should be responsible to her attitude towards the patients. I know that a doctor's job is very busy and stressful, but at least she should take care of her emotion and attitude towards the patients. Most patients also feel vey stressful about their disease and some even feel depressed about it. In fact, that doctor is just an ordinary GP and already very arrogant and emotional. Shame her to be a Chinese. Hence, hopefully my future doctor friends will not behave like that rude doctor when they work in future. It's really a shame!

Thesis

What is a thesis? A thesis is a document that presents the author's research and findings and is submitted in support of candidature for a degree or professional qualification. This intepretation is just like a heavy important responsibility for an undergraduate. However, as for me, thesis is nothing but a fussy trouble. Thesis is just a "rojak" of many journals in the forms of "gaya UKM" (after doing literature review). Until now, i'm still wonder why we need to do thesis in order to get a degree although i know that ongoing research is required to improve our society. It's pointless!!!

I do my thesis in the aspect of clinical study in HUKM, a hospital far from where i stay (in my perspective only). Therefore, i think that it is troublesome for me to go to HUKM to collect data every Thursday and Friday as it is a long journey for me. But, this can be considered a little problem as it is because of my laziness. What make me feel really troublesome is that until now, i'm still very confused and blurred about what I'm doing now for my thesis. I'm not confident for each work i have done for my thesis. Maybe people can say that if you are unsure about your thesis, you can always refer to your "beloved" supervisor, who is an expert in conducting research. Yes, of course i can do that. However, when i met my supervisor last Thursday to discuss my thesis, everything turned down for me.

At that meeting, I found out that my supervisor was quite blurred and forgetful (just like me) about my thesis. She asked me about my sample. I told her the number of patients and those data were from year 2007. Maybe you will feel quite strange and wonder why i conduct a study on patients in year 2007. (That is because the casemix department cannot provide 2008 data). I myself also feel puzzled about that and in last semester I already asked her about the permission to do thesis on patients in year 2007 . At that time, she said that i could do that but last Thursday she seemed to forget what she has said and on contrarily she asked me back why i did the research on patients in year 2007 but not 2008. I felt stoned by what she asked. Then, she asked me why i did on such a small sample. I actually told her about this sample size problem last semester that the casemix department could only provide this number of patients. At that time, she said that that should not be a problem as casemix department data is a strong evidence for my sample size. I used the same explanation to answer her question. However, this time, her attitude was not like last semester before. She asked me to find a suitable explanation and debate myself for my sample size.

The next thing she told me was the most devastated one. My thesis was actually quite same with a senior's thesis last year and that senior managed to get more samples than me. That's the first thing that worried me. Then, she told me that my objectives were quite similar with that senior's and I needed to figure out new add-on objectives different from that senior's. Huh!!! That's really troubling me as I already started in a half way for my thesis! Why she did not tell me earlier about this? Why she did not inform me in last semester before i did my proposal? Can I blame her? Of course cannot!!! what to do? she is still my supervisor to judge whether I can graduate.

Hence, until now, I'm still confused about my thesis. I will not blame anyone because this thesis is my very own stuff. I haven't also found new objectives for my thesis. I dare not to face it. It is disgusting for me. Therefore, to those who think that i'm steady and "senang-lenang" about my thesis, stop thinking of me like that. Afterall, I'm just a lazy person who is not interested or even hate to do thesis. I do not expect too much for my thesis as long as i can get a C for my thesis. Who cares about the pointers as my pointers now are already pretty bad. I just hope that I can graduate on time. Anyway, to those who strive for thesis, wish you all can get your targetted results for your thesis and also wish me not to fail in thesis.

Intro

Hi... I'm Lim Kek Chuong, an ordinary Pharmacy undergraduate, with nothing special and extraordinary throughout my life. I'm not expert in writing a very flowerish or touching blog but at least this is the place for me to express my experiences or stress or angers or opinions in words whenever possible. If you read my blog, hopefully you can post out some comments for my blog regardless it is a good or bad comment. I would be very much appreciated and thankful for your comments.